I Feel Another Rant Coming On!

So just what have I been doing that’s kept me from posting for so long? Well, let’s see. I spent last Friday and Saturday taking care of Mom and interviewing nurses’ aides. Same thing Saturday. I devoted Sunday to trimming and filing fingernails and toenails, doing a facial, a head-to-toe scrub, and then changing sheets. Not for me, for Mom, and all of that on top of the routine daily care she received. Needless to say, there wasn’t a moment during those three days to write a post or work on my Web site.

Monday started off fine, then about 1PM Mom started getting agitated and within minutes was in the throws of a full-blown manic episode, something she’s been cursed with for about five years. They can last two or three hours, or around the clock. That one ended at almost 1AM Tuesday morning. The poor thing yelled at the top of her lungs, barely stopping for a breath. It’s torturous for her and for me, and I’ll write a detailed post of what she endures when she has them when I have more time. When exhaustion finally overtook her and she went to sleep, I had to monitor her vitals closely because she goes into such a deep sleep that her system slows down almost to a halt and she forgets to breathe. I stayed up with her until about 3:30AM before falling asleep sitting upright in the recliner, and then got up a few short hours later to greet the new aide. Mom “crashes” the day after an episode and sleeps soundly, so that gave me a little more time to start teaching the aide what she needs to know about taking care of Mom. There’s a lot to learn because of Mom’s health issues, physical limitations, and mental state, so I have my work cut out for me when a new aides comes in. I finally ate a bagel at 3PM that day, which was my breakfast and lunch.

Mom went into another deep sleep that night, so I stayed up monitoring her until 2AM, then passed out again. Wednesday was a repeat with the aide, who had the world thrown at her and was a little overwhelmed by it all. Thursday was another day of training, but with a wide-awake mother who was ready to rumble. By mid-afternoon, I was so tired I couldn’t think of what I was supposed to do next. Dinner of another bagel at 10:45PM and that brings me up to now: 1AM Friday morning. Oh, Lord, I am absolutely worn out. And I’m mad.

I haven’t had more than five hours sleep a night in almost two weeks. I’m out of clean clothes and house slippers and don’t know when I’ll make it to the laundry room (No, the aide cannot do my personal laundry, only Mom’s. There are restrictions as to what they can do, which is okay with me because I’d never ask anyone to do my dirty laundry.). I haven’t been out of this house for over three weeks except to dump the garbage down the shoot, which is only three condo units down from me. The house needs cleaning, the cat needs combed and his ears cleaned, I haven’t balanced my checkbook since I paid bills the first of the month (Pray for me.), I need to go downstairs to see if my car starts after not being started for almost three months (That number three just keeps popping up, doesn’t it?), and I’m desperately in need of groceries. I’d also like to find time to rest because I’m so tired I’m staggering. I think maybe I’d better stop there or I’m just gonna cry. Not really.

So there’s a little of what I’ve been doing without going into detail, and why I haven’t been writing as often as I want to, or working on my other Web site, which I desperately need to do. Our future here depends on both and I can’t for the life of me figure out how I'm going to pull it all off, so I’ll say it again: I’M MAD! I’m tired of bad luck; I’m tired of bad timing. I’m just tired! And frustrated. And aggravated. And disappointed in myself because I’m not the wonder woman I thought I was. Damn. Of all times to fail.

But I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, because I’m doing what I want to do and that’s taking good care of my mother. And you know what else? There are millions and millions of people whose stories are much worse than mine; people who work as hard or harder than I do to take care of a loved one; people who do without more and suffer more all because they’re trying to do right by someone they love. So don’t feel sorry, just be mad right along with me because it should never, ever be this hard to do the right thing. Take it from me, it wouldn’t be if other people did their jobs, lived up to their promises and commitments, and had genuine concern for those they represent themselves as helping. And that’s a fact.

Well, it’s now 1:30AM (You're right, I am specific about time because I'm always watching the clock to see how much more time has slipped away from me.) and I need to call it a night, or a morning, or whatever, and head to the recliner, which is where I’ve slept for over a year. Another long story for another time.

Please, don’t give up on me if I don't post for a few days. It’s not for the lack of wanting to post, but for the lack of time. Hopefully when the aide is on her own I’ll have more of that.

Till next time,
Sharon

P.S.

I was too tired to publish this post when I finished it this morning so I’ll add a little more. It’s now a few minutes after ten and we’ve already had a visit from one of Mother’s nurse practitioners. I’d called them because Mom hasn’t been eating well at all (She’s on a feeding tube but still eats yogurt, pudding, applesauce, and smashed bananas.) and has been having a lot of stomach discomfort for the past few weeks. Any change in her is a concern because she can’t always tell me what’s bothering her and that’s scary. She also has a pocket of fluid under the lower lobe of her left lung for which there seems to be no explanation. They found it a few months back and even though it had decreased as of the last x-rays three months ago, it still has to be watched.

With all that I have said and will say about health practitioners, I want you to know that we have two competent, concerned, and understanding nurse practitioners now. It took a long time to find them, and a long time to build a relationship of mutual respect with one of them I must say, but we managed to do just that. They both respect the quality of care Mom receives here and do everything they can to help handle her problems at home rather than in the hospital. They know she doesn’t usually fare well there, understand my fears about hospital stays, and also respect my determination to make hospital visits few and far between. God bless them.

Frank is the one who just paid us a visit and he’s ordered a full blood workup, plus additional blood work to check for h pylori, which is a stomach virus. That means that someone will be coming to do that, as well as mobile x-ray, who will shoot film of her chest and stomach. The chaos continues. We have a mini-hospital here but it’s a way of getting the job done that hasn’t failed us yet. Good professional health care is out there and you should keep searching for it until you find it. It's what we all deserve.

P.S.S.

I got pulled away to help with Mom and it’s now after noon. That is how it goes here. But I do think I’m going to make it across the street to the grocery store and I’m excited! Pretty bad when you get excited about getting groceries, isn’t it? I'm off!

I'm Sorry

I’ve tried off and on all evening to write a post but I’m afraid it’s simply beyond me. I know some of you are checking daily and I do appreciate it, but I haven’t had the time, or the brainpower, to write for the past couple of days. I will try again tomorrow if I can collect my thoughts.

Thank you for visiting and don’t give up on me. The old gray mare just ain’t what she used to be but, as Arnold says, I’ll be back.

Till then,
Sharon